Posted in Uncategorized on May 17, 2014 by martinitram

You know what? After re-reading a little of my blog, I feel like I was a fucking idiot. That is all.

It has indeed been a while

Posted in Uncategorized on May 17, 2014 by martinitram

Hello all,
Or none. What does it matter… The last time I updated this blog was apparently when I was still in the third year of architecture school. The reason that I am updating now is simply because I recently read a post form a friend who “revived” his account. I don’t know exactly why I have decided to make a post tonight, but it may have to do with the sake that I am currently drinking. Regardless, a part of me, deep within that has been buried by all that I currently know dictates that I write this. So here it is.

I feel like this is going to be a reflective blog, as I suddenly feel like this is this is one of the only ways for me to be honest with myself. I have recently (7 days ago) graduated and start my full time job in two days on Monday. Regarding this, I am a little scared of what is to come, but at the same time, I am excited because I feel like it will make me a better person, forcing me to be more social due to what the job entitles, but that is simply what I hope. I have been wondering if this expectation is false: if I am truly able to do this… My boss seems to be a great person who genuinely cares about his employees, and I am truly scared of screwing everything up and letting him down.

But more about what has compelled me to write this blog: I have always thought that a period of self-reflections has always been a necessity, and is something that I have been neglecting, or at the very least, avoiding. I have found myself partial to intoxication with the sole purpose of forgetting what I have to deal with. This has been an issue that has been bothering me for quite a while, but something I felt was necessary due to my recent “suffering” due to architecture school…

That’s right, I fucking hated architecture school at my university. By the time i realized I hated it, I was in third year, and simply thought to myself, “It’s only two more years, so suck it up, and let’s go.” Despite fourth year being my most enjoyable year, designing and building a cabin as well as studying abroad in Rome, I dreaded and despised my final semester there. This was the time where I felt frustration and contempt at what my school offered here. I pondered the possibility that I was being lazy, but quickly realized that it was justified. This school is a design school at it’s core. When I came into architecture, I believed that it would be more pragmatic and logic-driven, instead of “artsy-fartsy” bullshit. This year has solidified my suspicion that my school is focused on just that. My co-professor was a former architect turned artist whom I have very little, if any, respect for. This professor would disregard any logic or reason you had and simply say, “Make it look cool.” And when asked to clarify, he would simply show you some building and say, ” Look at that! Whatttt?????” as if he had made his point. One observation that should be noted is his treatment of each of the students. He would never come to any of the students and say, ” Where is *insert male student name here*? I want to talk to them!” He would only focus on the female ones, and even try to hit on several of them. This is, of course, based on my observations as well as a couple of my other colleagues there, but it is what we all seem to agree on. The other professor is a respectable professor who genuinely cares for us all, but is not confrontational or unprofessional like the other.

And now this rant has made me forget about what I originally wanted to talk about… Dammit.

Until next time, if there is one.

Wine and Whiskey

Posted in Uncategorized on February 8, 2012 by martinitram

Fuck third year… so much stuff to do and so little time… >.< Indeed it has been a while since I have blogged at all and am surprised at how i came to this site at all… But… The stress is getting to me along with so many other things… Fuck this… I'm going to have a smoke and sleep and finish later

Hmm…

Posted in Uncategorized on July 30, 2011 by martinitram

Haven’t blogged in a while… But I am back in San Jose, though I should have blogged that on Thursday… 😄

I think that I’ll blog about being back later… There seems to be things i need to get off my chest, but now doesn’t feel like the time to do so: I should probably sleep so I can go airsofting in the morning, plus I am kind of sleepy… haha…

Ending it abruptly because… well, just because I feel like it…

Not sure what to post

Posted in Uncategorized on July 17, 2011 by martinitram

Haha, I feel like if I keep posting, I’ll just end up sounding like a whiny little bitch…. I probably already do… but…. Eh, who cares.

I suppose this will be a continuation of the post before the last one.

To put it in the most basest of explanations, I have lost a habit in my life, a pattern. Adjusting to a new pattern is, I suppose, what “getting over it” is describing, but the question I’m proposing is how the mind deals with such change. When something gets lost, you decide whether or not it has much value to you: If it doesn’t, then life goes on without much change. If it does have value to you, then you try to replace it. In my case, I try to fill my life with different habits simply because there is nothing else to do in that time(given its summer and I am stuck in school). It’s only a matter of time until you notice the difference and realize that no matter how you try to forget or ignore the old habits, they are still a big part of your life and cannot be parted with. So how you need to start thinking, or at least how you SHOULD start thinking, is to simply live with the memories of the habits, and change how you view them, instead of trying to ignore them.

The reason we try to forget is because we desire it. A bit of a conundrum, but we try to distract ourselves and forget about the memories because it reminds us of what we could have or used to have, but can’t have. In order to minimize the negative effects the memories have, one must change the way they view them. Its all about priorities I suppose: prioritize other wants, and slowly view the memories as something you want, then something you would be grateful to have, then something that wouldn’t hurt to have, etc etc.

Much fucking harder when it looks though when you have nothing to do and can’t help but entertain thoughts, scenarios, etc. to sate unrequited wants.

What’s interesting is that I have been smoking more often lately, but not directly because of the stress or whatever, but mainly just to talk to my friend J. Still hate the taste and smell. Don’t see how people get addicted to the stuff.

As for alcohol, I’ve only actually drank alone in order to sleep 3 times at most. Most of the time I just stay up late enough to collapse in bed, so those of you who care don’t have to worry.

Shooting… doesn’t help that much… It helps WHILE I’m shooting, but afterwards I usually feel worse… >.> I understand why now, but… blah…

The gym is the only thing that gives me the pleasure of an oblivious mind through a “tortured” body.

Hope to go to an outdoor shooting range in about a week with J again.

*Sigh….* I wish my History of Modern Art class didn’t end yet… Learned so many interesting ideas and concepts that probably would have kept my mind occupied… Haha

Marcel Duchamps, “The Bride Stripped Bare By Her Bachelors”
Butt Sex.....?
Butt Sex……? O.o 😄

Ouch…

Posted in Uncategorized on July 13, 2011 by martinitram

It is now wednesday morning… Yesterday I went to the gym with a couple friends, which was the first time for me in quite a while, so I had some fun as well as felt pretty bad for becoming so weak… Haha, Plus it helped me get my mind off of some things.

After the workout, me and the three other guys went to chipotle grill, which was my first time there, and I suppose it was pretty good. Yeah…. its 3:45 in the morning now so I can’t really think, much less type up a decent blog post…

All I can say is that I woke up at 2AM because my left shoulder was sore as fucking hell. No matter what position I slept in, it kept hurting/aching… I probably pushed myself too hard at the gym for my first day… So I had the pleasure of staying awake and having time to think about shit, which is not too pleasant.

So now I sit here with my left shoulder throbbing, wanting to sleep, and about to play games to kill time… >.>

Ouch!! >..<

Nothing to do

Posted in Uncategorized on July 9, 2011 by martinitram

I have nothing to do… So what do I do? I try playing games, but they don’t seem as appealing to me as before… I try sleeping, but that only takes up so much time… So I look up gun videos and all seems right as rain in those few moments… >.> Strange isn’t it.

Except now I am simply depressed… I didn’t feel this depressed since middle school or whatever when I was just depressed for no fucking reason. Oh, and I also had some rum to help me sleep in a bit… It seems to be kicking in now, but I want to finish this post. NO, I am not drinking every night, and I am not going to become an alcoholic.

It seems that having nothing to do just triggers something inside of me that gets me so depressed. Though probably of what happened last week… I cannot believe that it has only been a week… It seems like an eternity.

My habits…. are unhealthy probably, I’ve been running everyday and etc. but the habit i talk about is probably unhealthy for my getting over this damned mess. I hope later I can just overcome the habit or sublimate it into something else.

It’s interesting to note that today, of all days, I feel extremely depressed, not last week, not the days following that, but today. Maybe its just cause I have nothing to do… And if that’s the case, then what the fuck am I going to do for the next three weeks until school ends? What the fuck am I going to do for the rest of the summer? I fucking wish for school to start so that I can have something to do and distract myself with…

Fuck…