Back in school

The purpose of this analysis? Well, I would like to call it an analysis, but I suppose its more just me spilling most of my thoughts and trying to organize everything. I suppose this also provides me with an alternative to being depressed and drowning myself into alcohol and cigarettes… Haha

Hopefully doing this will help me cope with it by rationalizing it and stop the random flow of thoughts by organizing them… Or maybe this could just be pointless and lead me back to point Zero. We shall see shall we?

So the intro… I suppose this is where I should start with the beginning… Maybe that can help me rationalize my way though this.

It all started when I was a senior in high school. I had met her in my PE class, and had recognized her as a friend of a friends, and I remember just awkwardly smiling and waving to her that first time. Eventually, she started talking to me in that class, and, believe it or not, I found her to be kind of annoying, but I eventually got used to her. I never really talked to her outside of PE. I once was asked by her to take her to Michaels to buy some supplies, which I replied yes. At this point, I kind of liked her, but it was a fleeting feeling/ thought. I bought her milk tea from tapioca express afterwards and dropped her near her house because she wanted to walk home and finish the milk tea before coming back. I don’t know how I remember all this in detail………..

This year, my friend B was in a relationship with C, though several times, me and my other friends were convinced that there was something going on with him and Her due to their….. “playful” nature, but we didnt think much of it, or at least I didn’t. And so I graduated and went on to college.

Later in college, I was surprised by her starting to IM me through AIM, and so I responded to her and we talked frequently until one day in October, I decided to tell her that I liked her, which I did. I don’t think that she gave me a straight response, but that was when we started talking more and when she started calling me. Later, November 26, was our first date together because we lived apart, and I had gone out of the city to go to college and she was still in high school.I picked her up from her house, and we went to watch “The Road”. Not the perfect choice, but I liked it and I believed she liked it as well. I wanted to treat her to sushi that day, but they were all closed because it was Thanksgiving, so we ended up going on a scenic drive and then we got some noodles at a chinese restaurant. The next day or so, I can’t really remember, we went to San Francisco together with several other friends. The trip was interesting, but in the end, before driving her back home, I stopped at the top of a large hill that overlooked the city, and it being night time, was simply beautiful. That was where I got my first kiss.

The contact continued and we began webcamming, talking, and I would come visit her as much as I could, but usually once and rarely twice a month. We didn’t have much troubles, but what troubles we did have was in regards mainly to her past relationship with B, which I completely overlooked. And by relationship, I simply mean that they had liked each other, but didn’t think it would work out. And then, they simply became close friends. I didn’t like them hanging out so much because I felt threatened, and that is the extremely simplified version leaving out several other details, but eventually I got over it… It took months.

I will choose to leave out the intimate details, but things for us went well for a while. I truly loved her and looking back now, I realize that I was much happier than I was probably conscious of. I began to dream and see myself being with her for the rest of my life. I would have done almost anything for her. We even talked about the future, or at least entertained the possibilities and different scenarios. We were, and probably are very compatible, if I may say so myself.

The couple months leading up to our break up, I noticed that she was acting strangely: She seemed to slowly shy away from me, slowly stopping kissing me, and hugging me. This was so gradual that I thought nothing of it, and she had assured me that it was nothing important, but I think, just a phase she was going through, so I believed her and gave her space. It wasn’t until about two weeks ago, however, that I began to truly become worried. She had not called me in a while, and when I did call her, she told me not to call her for a week or so until I came back. When I did, I was met coldly, and awkwardly. When I confronted her about it, she explained that she wanted to take it even slower because she wanted to concentrate on her school as she was beginning college. I agreed, but was still treated coldly, and that drew up more concerns. The next day, I confronted her again about what was going on, and this was when she said what I was truly not expecting: “I don’t like you as much as I used to.” “But don’t worry, I’m not dumping you any time soon, I’m still thinking about it.”

The next day, She picked me up in the morning so we could talk about it, and it seemed that she had been feeling like that for several months, explaining the estranged behavior. I asked her the reason for this, and she said that it was the distance: we were together, but me not being there often made her feel as if she was single most of the time, and over the course of over a year, made her stop loving me, and started seeing me like a close friend. That’s when she posed the question to me: “Do you want to still continue this? Or do you want to break up? Because at this rate, I already know what is going to happen.”
I replied, “ A part of me wants to stay together to try to work this out, but another part says that its best if we break up.” And that was when I broke into tears. There was so much going on in my head and I simply didnt know what to say, despite having so much to say. I spent the rest of our time together trying to keep myself from crying anymore, but failing at it, and simply expressing my thoughts because staying quiet and letting them run in my head was simply too painful. And that is when we broke up.

I’ll elaborate more on my current thoughts and habits next post

- July 5th, 2011 12:34 AM