Lost

It all happened so quickly… One moment I am here believing that the issue wasn’t that severe and that I was just confused about what was going on. Now, it all seems so clear to me. And yet, all so vague. It seemed like a dream, like it never really happened, but you know for a fact that it did. Now I don’t know how to react to it. I do now know how to feel right now. I don’t feel any anger nor regret. It seems that I just feel despair, confusion, sadness…

I love you, and I always will. I meant it when I said that I wasn’t mad at you: I can never be. I hope that I find the strength in me to put my feelings for you aside and return to at least talking with you. You are a valuable part of my life and I don’t want to lose you.

But… I still want to be with you. That may be the main reason that I wouldn’t want you out of my life. It just torments so much just knowing that the reason for this is the distance. I thought all this time that you could handle it as I could, but it seems that I was wrong. Like I said, I feel no regret, no anger, nothing against you: I know why you did what you did and I know that you thought it was best for us, but in the end… *

Now I must do something about this. I cannot continue living life the same way that I did, waiting and looking forward to your calls, hoping anxiously for time to quicken so that I may see your face again, hold you in my arms and kiss you. Now I must put aside all those warm memories that I think of often when I miss you. Those memories may now torment me with what may never be. “Never say never” you say, perhaps quoting Justin Bieber, but if what you say is true, then I will be wishing and hoping that our paths cross again.

I said in the beginning: It happened so fast… I seriously believed that you loved me, though for the past couple months you probably loved me in a different way: like a friend. What I said to you was true: that besides, “I’m cheating on you”, That is the worst thing you could say to me in a relationship. That means that my expectations and beliefs have been wrong for those months and that my dreams of us being together are now meaningless. I loved you with all of my heart and I truly believed that we could have made it through the distance and ended up together.

Even now I still love you. The last time I saw you I had so much to say, but I just couldn’t  say it and I couldn’t organize myself to say it, so all I said was that I wished you luck in your future, which I truly meant. And you described that moment as “awkward.”

Today, I feel lost. I don’t know what to do to distract myself from you as nothing seems to work. I can put on a facade and try to act normal, but I know deep down inside that something is wrong. Never have I felt so empty.

- My initial and unorganized thoughts as of now.