Haven’t blogged in a while… But I am back in San Jose, though I should have blogged that on Thursday… XD
I think that I’ll blog about being back later… There seems to be things i need to get off my chest, but now doesn’t feel like the time to do so: I should probably sleep so I can go airsofting in the morning, plus I am kind of sleepy… haha…
Ending it abruptly because… well, just because I feel like it…
Haha, I feel like if I keep posting, I’ll just end up sounding like a whiny little bitch…. I probably already do… but…. Eh, who cares.
I suppose this will be a continuation of the post before the last one.
To put it in the most basest of explanations, I have lost a habit in my life, a pattern. Adjusting to a new pattern is, I suppose, what “getting over it” is describing, but the question I’m proposing is how the mind deals with such change. When something gets lost, you decide whether or not it has much value to you: If it doesn’t, then life goes on without much change. If it does have value to you, then you try to replace it. In my case, I try to fill my life with different habits simply because there is nothing else to do in that time(given its summer and I am stuck in school). It’s only a matter of time until you notice the difference and realize that no matter how you try to forget or ignore the old habits, they are still a big part of your life and cannot be parted with. So how you need to start thinking, or at least how you SHOULD start thinking, is to simply live with the memories of the habits, and change how you view them, instead of trying to ignore them.
The reason we try to forget is because we desire it. A bit of a conundrum, but we try to distract ourselves and forget about the memories because it reminds us of what we could have or used to have, but can’t have. In order to minimize the negative effects the memories have, one must change the way they view them. Its all about priorities I suppose: prioritize other wants, and slowly view the memories as something you want, then something you would be grateful to have, then something that wouldn’t hurt to have, etc etc.
Much fucking harder when it looks though when you have nothing to do and can’t help but entertain thoughts, scenarios, etc. to sate unrequited wants.
What’s interesting is that I have been smoking more often lately, but not directly because of the stress or whatever, but mainly just to talk to my friend J. Still hate the taste and smell. Don’t see how people get addicted to the stuff.
As for alcohol, I’ve only actually drank alone in order to sleep 3 times at most. Most of the time I just stay up late enough to collapse in bed, so those of you who care don’t have to worry.
Shooting… doesn’t help that much… It helps WHILE I’m shooting, but afterwards I usually feel worse… >.> I understand why now, but… blah…
The gym is the only thing that gives me the pleasure of an oblivious mind through a “tortured” body.
Hope to go to an outdoor shooting range in about a week with J again.
*Sigh….* I wish my History of Modern Art class didn’t end yet… Learned so many interesting ideas and concepts that probably would have kept my mind occupied… Haha
Marcel Duchamps, “The Bride Stripped Bare By Her Bachelors”
Butt Sex……? O.o XD
It is now wednesday morning… Yesterday I went to the gym with a couple friends, which was the first time for me in quite a while, so I had some fun as well as felt pretty bad for becoming so weak… Haha, Plus it helped me get my mind off of some things.
After the workout, me and the three other guys went to chipotle grill, which was my first time there, and I suppose it was pretty good. Yeah…. its 3:45 in the morning now so I can’t really think, much less type up a decent blog post…
All I can say is that I woke up at 2AM because my left shoulder was sore as fucking hell. No matter what position I slept in, it kept hurting/aching… I probably pushed myself too hard at the gym for my first day… So I had the pleasure of staying awake and having time to think about shit, which is not too pleasant.
So now I sit here with my left shoulder throbbing, wanting to sleep, and about to play games to kill time… >.>
Ouch!! >..<
I have nothing to do… So what do I do? I try playing games, but they don’t seem as appealing to me as before… I try sleeping, but that only takes up so much time… So I look up gun videos and all seems right as rain in those few moments… >.> Strange isn’t it.
Except now I am simply depressed… I didn’t feel this depressed since middle school or whatever when I was just depressed for no fucking reason. Oh, and I also had some rum to help me sleep in a bit… It seems to be kicking in now, but I want to finish this post. NO, I am not drinking every night, and I am not going to become an alcoholic.
It seems that having nothing to do just triggers something inside of me that gets me so depressed. Though probably of what happened last week… I cannot believe that it has only been a week… It seems like an eternity.
My habits…. are unhealthy probably, I’ve been running everyday and etc. but the habit i talk about is probably unhealthy for my getting over this damned mess. I hope later I can just overcome the habit or sublimate it into something else.
It’s interesting to note that today, of all days, I feel extremely depressed, not last week, not the days following that, but today. Maybe its just cause I have nothing to do… And if that’s the case, then what the fuck am I going to do for the next three weeks until school ends? What the fuck am I going to do for the rest of the summer? I fucking wish for school to start so that I can have something to do and distract myself with…
Fuck…
Okay…… I am definitely not taking it as well as I thought I was… >.>
It definitely was just the distractions that lured me into a false sense of… ease of mind? I think that’s the right phrase…
*sigh…*
Hmm, Right now I am not so sure what to blog about… It seems that this sudden revival may be short lived until I become emotionally worked up again to vent it out again. Haha.
Don’t be mistaken that I am completely all right, I have just had plenty of distractions as well as friends that I have been able to vent and talk to. Mainly three friends from college, and with one of whom I talked over some cigarettes to calm me down. Don’t worry! I am not going to be addicted! That, plus my blood has alcohol in it for a while now… O.o Mainly because I cannot seem to fall asleep at night, plus my friend invited me to a party to try and cheer me up… XD
If not with friends, then I have been occupying myself with building some gundam models just for fun and exploring my stash of movies and shows that I have neglected for a while.
It is interesting, however, to note that I am not feeling as bad as I thought I would. This meaning that I still think and reminisce of the times and moments, but I neither feel too bad about them nor do I feel any negative feelings. I suppose this is what Marcus was talking about when he said to cherish the memories, as they are proof that I am capable of love… Also, according to Saurav, this is a rite of passage into manhood. In any case, I can only hope that I am steadily getting over this heartbreak.
This does, however, bring up a concern I have been having. Since there aren’t that many memories of us down in school, what will happen when I return up to San Jose, where I have shared priceless moments with her in my house, biking through the neighborhoods, walking around in the parks, etc. Will I start weeping again when I return home? I do not know whether that would be a good or bad thing.
I SEEM to be handling this much better than I thought I would. Notice the word seem… I don’t know how to explain this… Perhaps I have not yet let go and have simply been hoping to reconcile the relationship later. That to me seems to be the most logical answer… In any case, it hasn’t even been a week and I can only speculate and guess that I am going through some sort of denial phase. It will eventually pass hopefully, or maybe my hopes and thoughts may really be sincere, in which case I get the feeling I’d have an extremely rough time… >.>
Oh well, life goes on. Though the degree of my happiness has been slumping much lately… I still feel depressed most of the time even though I am having “fun”. My urge to play games has severely dropped, it has become less difficult to sleep, but I am still unable to sleep unless very tipsy or REALLY exhausted. Indeed, life goes on, and it is not the end of the world… The world has simply stopped looking so nice for a while.
I miss you…
It’s 1:50am, I have been in bed for a while trying to sleep…
I have walked around school for so long, and still sleep alludes me.
I want to cry to make myself feel better, but I cant…
What now?
The purpose of this analysis? Well, I would like to call it an analysis, but I suppose its more just me spilling most of my thoughts and trying to organize everything. I suppose this also provides me with an alternative to being depressed and drowning myself into alcohol and cigarettes… Haha
Hopefully doing this will help me cope with it by rationalizing it and stop the random flow of thoughts by organizing them… Or maybe this could just be pointless and lead me back to point Zero. We shall see shall we?
So the intro… I suppose this is where I should start with the beginning… Maybe that can help me rationalize my way though this.
It all started when I was a senior in high school. I had met her in my PE class, and had recognized her as a friend of a friends, and I remember just awkwardly smiling and waving to her that first time. Eventually, she started talking to me in that class, and, believe it or not, I found her to be kind of annoying, but I eventually got used to her. I never really talked to her outside of PE. I once was asked by her to take her to Michaels to buy some supplies, which I replied yes. At this point, I kind of liked her, but it was a fleeting feeling/ thought. I bought her milk tea from tapioca express afterwards and dropped her near her house because she wanted to walk home and finish the milk tea before coming back. I don’t know how I remember all this in detail………..
This year, my friend B was in a relationship with C, though several times, me and my other friends were convinced that there was something going on with him and Her due to their….. “playful” nature, but we didnt think much of it, or at least I didn’t. And so I graduated and went on to college.
Later in college, I was surprised by her starting to IM me through AIM, and so I responded to her and we talked frequently until one day in October, I decided to tell her that I liked her, which I did. I don’t think that she gave me a straight response, but that was when we started talking more and when she started calling me. Later, November 26, was our first date together because we lived apart, and I had gone out of the city to go to college and she was still in high school.I picked her up from her house, and we went to watch “The Road”. Not the perfect choice, but I liked it and I believed she liked it as well. I wanted to treat her to sushi that day, but they were all closed because it was Thanksgiving, so we ended up going on a scenic drive and then we got some noodles at a chinese restaurant. The next day or so, I can’t really remember, we went to San Francisco together with several other friends. The trip was interesting, but in the end, before driving her back home, I stopped at the top of a large hill that overlooked the city, and it being night time, was simply beautiful. That was where I got my first kiss.
The contact continued and we began webcamming, talking, and I would come visit her as much as I could, but usually once and rarely twice a month. We didn’t have much troubles, but what troubles we did have was in regards mainly to her past relationship with B, which I completely overlooked. And by relationship, I simply mean that they had liked each other, but didn’t think it would work out. And then, they simply became close friends. I didn’t like them hanging out so much because I felt threatened, and that is the extremely simplified version leaving out several other details, but eventually I got over it… It took months.
I will choose to leave out the intimate details, but things for us went well for a while. I truly loved her and looking back now, I realize that I was much happier than I was probably conscious of. I began to dream and see myself being with her for the rest of my life. I would have done almost anything for her. We even talked about the future, or at least entertained the possibilities and different scenarios. We were, and probably are very compatible, if I may say so myself.
The couple months leading up to our break up, I noticed that she was acting strangely: She seemed to slowly shy away from me, slowly stopping kissing me, and hugging me. This was so gradual that I thought nothing of it, and she had assured me that it was nothing important, but I think, just a phase she was going through, so I believed her and gave her space. It wasn’t until about two weeks ago, however, that I began to truly become worried. She had not called me in a while, and when I did call her, she told me not to call her for a week or so until I came back. When I did, I was met coldly, and awkwardly. When I confronted her about it, she explained that she wanted to take it even slower because she wanted to concentrate on her school as she was beginning college. I agreed, but was still treated coldly, and that drew up more concerns. The next day, I confronted her again about what was going on, and this was when she said what I was truly not expecting: “I don’t like you as much as I used to.” “But don’t worry, I’m not dumping you any time soon, I’m still thinking about it.”
The next day, She picked me up in the morning so we could talk about it, and it seemed that she had been feeling like that for several months, explaining the estranged behavior. I asked her the reason for this, and she said that it was the distance: we were together, but me not being there often made her feel as if she was single most of the time, and over the course of over a year, made her stop loving me, and started seeing me like a close friend. That’s when she posed the question to me: “Do you want to still continue this? Or do you want to break up? Because at this rate, I already know what is going to happen.”
I replied, “ A part of me wants to stay together to try to work this out, but another part says that its best if we break up.” And that was when I broke into tears. There was so much going on in my head and I simply didnt know what to say, despite having so much to say. I spent the rest of our time together trying to keep myself from crying anymore, but failing at it, and simply expressing my thoughts because staying quiet and letting them run in my head was simply too painful. And that is when we broke up.
I’ll elaborate more on my current thoughts and habits next post
- July 5th, 2011 12:34 AM
July 2nd – Longest day of my life
Lets try to reorganize my thoughts shall we?
Lets see… Where to begin… I believe that the correct order would be to begin with what started it all. In a sense, I suppose this will be a reflection of my relationship and my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, expectations, hopes, experiences, and most of all, the downfall.
I suppose the “intro” will be explaining what I expect to get out of typing this as well as how I will go about analyzing and reflecting my relationship. This will hopefully give me a better insight of what I had, what I lost, and where to move from this, as it seems that simply thinking about it is just depressing whereas talking about this makes me feel better…
I’ll write the intro later… going to go swimming now with my uncle, aunt, sister, and cousins.
- July 3rd, 2011 4:59 PM
It all happened so quickly… One moment I am here believing that the issue wasn’t that severe and that I was just confused about what was going on. Now, it all seems so clear to me. And yet, all so vague. It seemed like a dream, like it never really happened, but you know for a fact that it did. Now I don’t know how to react to it. I do now know how to feel right now. I don’t feel any anger nor regret. It seems that I just feel despair, confusion, sadness…
I love you, and I always will. I meant it when I said that I wasn’t mad at you: I can never be. I hope that I find the strength in me to put my feelings for you aside and return to at least talking with you. You are a valuable part of my life and I don’t want to lose you.
But… I still want to be with you. That may be the main reason that I wouldn’t want you out of my life. It just torments so much just knowing that the reason for this is the distance. I thought all this time that you could handle it as I could, but it seems that I was wrong. Like I said, I feel no regret, no anger, nothing against you: I know why you did what you did and I know that you thought it was best for us, but in the end… *
Now I must do something about this. I cannot continue living life the same way that I did, waiting and looking forward to your calls, hoping anxiously for time to quicken so that I may see your face again, hold you in my arms and kiss you. Now I must put aside all those warm memories that I think of often when I miss you. Those memories may now torment me with what may never be. “Never say never” you say, perhaps quoting Justin Bieber, but if what you say is true, then I will be wishing and hoping that our paths cross again.
I said in the beginning: It happened so fast… I seriously believed that you loved me, though for the past couple months you probably loved me in a different way: like a friend. What I said to you was true: that besides, “I’m cheating on you”, That is the worst thing you could say to me in a relationship. That means that my expectations and beliefs have been wrong for those months and that my dreams of us being together are now meaningless. I loved you with all of my heart and I truly believed that we could have made it through the distance and ended up together.
Even now I still love you. The last time I saw you I had so much to say, but I just couldn’t say it and I couldn’t organize myself to say it, so all I said was that I wished you luck in your future, which I truly meant. And you described that moment as “awkward.”
Today, I feel lost. I don’t know what to do to distract myself from you as nothing seems to work. I can put on a facade and try to act normal, but I know deep down inside that something is wrong. Never have I felt so empty.
- My initial and unorganized thoughts as of now.
